Watch Where You Step
by denise1
Summary: An early humor fic


WATCH WHERE YOU STEP

by

Denise

"Incoming traveler," alerted Tech Davis as the SGC stargate began to spin and cycle.

"Closing the iris," responded Master Sergeant Harriman as he pressed the switch.

"Receiving a GDO code Sergeant."

Harriman looked over at his partner. "SG-1?"

She nodded. "Affirmative."

"Opening the iris." He placed his palm on the switch, this time opening the door.

General George Hammond strode into the control room "Who's returning?"

"SG-1 sir."

The general looked at his watch. /They're on time for once. Now we'll see if they're in one piece./

General Hammond watched his best but often most trying team begin to emerge from the watery blue event horizon. The first out was Major Samantha Carter. Hammond watched as the petite blond officer hit the ramp with an uncharacteristic clumsiness. Her booted feet seemed to slide on the metal grate surface as her arms pinwheeled in a struggle to get her balance. Her hands finally connected with the railing and she grasped it with a sense of desperation.

Before he could react to the strange sight, another member of SG-1 came through. Dr. Daniel Jackson hit the ramp with a bit more grace than his teammate but also seemed unsteady on his feet, possibly made worse by his bulging backpack. No sooner was Daniel through the gate than the third member of SG-1 emerged.

Teal'c, the large alien Jaffa stumbled through and crashed into Daniel causing both men to fall in a tangled heap, Daniel's backpack flew open, its contents careening through the air. Some of them flew towards Sam. She let out a small cry and raised her hands to deflect the ancient missiles. Unfortunately letting go of the railing caused her feet to fly out from under her and sent her crashing to the ramp with a bang and an uncharacteristic curse. She looked towards her teammates sprawled directly in front of the gate. "The Colonel!" Both men realized they were directly in the path of their incoming CO.

They looked like a pair of cartoon characters, their legs kicked at the ramp but the movement which should have scooted them away had absolutely no effect what so ever.

Suddenly Colonel Jack O'Neill came through the wormhole.

He tripped over his horizontal team mates and actually flew through the air for a few feet before hitting the ramp and sliding, yes sliding down the ramp towards the wall. Years of instinct kicked in as he managed to roll himself into a ball and allow his back to hit the wall and not his head. "Son of a Bitch!" he cried.

The wormhole disengaged with a pop and all in the control room just sat there, not quite believing what they had just witnessed. "Get medical down there," ordered the general.

His order snapped the two officers out of their spell and Harriman and Davis went back to their duties. As the general left the control room both airmen stood up to get a better view of the scene below.

Major Carter was attempting to regain her feet using the railing as support. However whatever was affecting her feet seemed to be affecting her hands as well. She lost her grip on the railing and fell again this time rolling off the ramp and landing on the concrete floor. "Ouch dammit," she exclaimed

"Carter, there are children present," chided O'Neill from across the room.

"Sorry sir but I just landed on one of Daniel's pots."

Daniel halted his futile scrambling. "Which one Sam?"

"Aah...the green one I think," Sam said, pulling pieces of pottery out of her jacket sleeve.

"Oh... that's OK then."

"OK!? I'm bleeding here."

"Oh well I'm sorry but the designs on the purple one are much more important. OW! Teal'c that was my hand!"

"I am sorry Daniel Jackson."

"It's OK," replied Daniel shaking the offended appendage.

"SG-1 what the hell is going on here!" requested General Hammond from the doorway.

"General," said Jack from his position on the floor, "Daniel seems to have made a FANTASTIC discovery. He stepped in something which is really, really slick."

"Sir," said Carter from behind the ramp. "This stuff is slipperier than anything I've ever seen."

"A little too slick if you ask me."

"Yes sir. Well Daniel stepped in a pile of it and fell down. We tried to help him up but then we fell down."

General Hammond noticed the greasy gray-green substance that was coating his people. Daniel was trying to pick a lump of it out of his hair. And was it his imagination or were Daniel and Teal'c...yes they were actually sliding down the ramp.

"We were just a hundred yards away from the gate when we fell in this stuff but it took us eight hours to make it back."

"It took Sam 20 minutes to dial home. Her hands kept slipping on the wrong symbols."

"Yeah, she almost sent us to Chulak," Jack complained. Hammond looked at the Major. She wasn't trying to stand anymore but was content to look over the edge of the ramp. Daniel and Teal'c had now reached the end of the ramp and unceremoniously fell off the two small steps at the end, the small fall finally separating the two men. O'Neill was still lying on his right side where he had tumbled. He seemed extremely unwilling to get up and was content to remain lying on the floor. He did try to get more comfortable by placing his elbow on the floor and resting his head on his hand...however his head kept sliding off his hand. "Oh for crying out loud!" he exclaimed as he banged his head on the floor. "Teal'c have you ever heard of this stuff?"

"I am unfamiliar with this substance."

Dr. Janet Frasier walked into the room followed by her medical staff. "Whoa. What is that smell?" she asked waving her hand in front of her face.

"I think that's us," replied Daniel.

Sam let go of the ramp to gingerly smell her hands. "Yuck." she made a face and jerked her head away. The sudden movement caused her to fall back. There was a small crash.

"Carter?" asked Jack.

"Found your purple pot Daniel," she said from the floor, refusing to even TRY to sit up.

"SAAAM," whined Daniel

"Sorry."

Janet met the eyes of the General. His face was red. "Is anyone injured?" she asked.

"I am uninjured."

"Just a few bruises."

"Other than imitating the Flying Walenzas and crashing into a concrete wall I'm just peachy."

"I...aah...cut myself on one of Daniel's pots. Might need a few stitches."

"Well I don't want this substance spread any further. Why don't you guys hang tight and I'll get the haz-mat team to come in here." Janet turned and left the room waving her staff away.

The general followed her. "Doctor, do you think there is any danger of contamination?"

"Without knowing what we are dealing with? Frankly general I have no idea." She continued to the infirmary and General Hammond proceeded to his office. /I swear if I have to quarantine this base again I'll shoot them./ SG-1 was left alone in the gateroom.

"Great Daniel. You just HAD to wander off."

"Jack how was I to know this was going to happen?"

"You should expect trouble. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have all these gray hairs."

Daniel threw his hands above his head in exasperation. "OK fine. Next planet I'll just stand by the gate and let you shoot anything that approaches."

"I don't shoot everything," Jack protested.

"Huh!"

"What was that MAJOR?"

"Remember Nakakst's cat," she reminded.

"Who the hell has a 300 pound saber tooth cat as a pet?"

"Nakakst," his team members chorused.

"You just had to shoot didn't ya?" Daniel asked.

"Yeah and HE didn't have to spend the next three days slogging through a swamp trying to get Nakakst a new kitten."

"I was in a dungeon."

Sam held up her hand rubbing her thumb and forefinger together, "Here's the world's smallest violin...Sir."

"Yeah Jack...Wah."

"Teal'c...help me out here."

The enigmatic Jaffa merely looked at his CO and raised one eyebrow. "I find myself lacking in sympathy O'Neill."

"Way to go Teal'c," Daniel cheered.

Janet walked through the door, trying not to laugh out loud at the conversation. Seeing her, Jack appealed for her help. "Doc, help me out here."

"Colonel, I missed Cassandra's recital because of that mission. When I should have been basking in parental pride I was here removing leeches from your team." Janet carefully knelt down to take a sample of the substance covering SG-1.

"Yeah Jack, while you were clean and dry in a nice cell we were getting bug bites in places I can't mention in mixed company."

"Mention it anyway Daniel. Poor Teal'c was bitten by a 5 foot snake," Sam reminded. "The Colonel didn't have to deal with a hallucinating 200 pound Jaffa."

"I said I was sorry. What more do you want."

"Blood."

"Damn Carter, you're mean."

"I didn't used to be."

"Yeah Jack, Jacob would be surprised to find out just how much you've corrupted his daughter."

"O'Neill has corrupted Major Carter?"

"Not in the biblical way Teal'c."

"Biblical?"

"Danny'll explain it to you later. Doc, don't suppose you could hurry up and find out what this stuff is? I'm too old to lie around on a cold cement floor for hours on end."

"Actually I just thought I would leave you guys here for a while. At least you aren't out getting yourself shot, killed or otherwise damaged."

"Come on Doc. You'd get bored without us around."

"Right," Janet sarcastically agreed as the left the embarkation room, sample in hand.

"That may not have been a wise move O'Neill."

"What Teal'c?" Daniel started to chuckle. "What?...What'd I miss?"

"Jack it's just not wise to annoy the woman who holds the syringes."

Sam began to laugh. "Next time she'll probably really jam it in your...six."

"Like she won't do the same to the rest of you."

"Hey, I'm Cassie's baby-sitter. If Janet wants a social life, she'll be nice to me. Any way I think she feels sorry for me having to deal with you guys," Sam explained.

"Feels sorry for you?...It's Danny she feels sorry for. He's the one who ends every mission in the infirmary."

"That's why she won't hurt me. Doesn't want to contribute..."

"...To the delinquency of a minor?"

"Jaaaack."

"Want some cheese with that whine?"

"Saaam."

"I see no curdled animal milk or fermented fruit juice."

"Figure of speech Teal'c."

The door opened and Dr. Frasier walked into the embarkation room. "Well I have some good news and some bad news."

"What the heck Doc, start with the good news."

"So far we've detected no harmful properties to this substance. But we don't want it tracked all over the base. We're going to have the haz-mat team come in and get you guys out."

"And the bad news?"

"We've got to try to contain this stuff...so everything that's been contaminated has to stay here."

"Janet, no."

"What Sam?"

"You're not gonna make us..."

"Dammit Carter...what?"

"Jack I think what Sam and Janet's getting to is that our clothes are contaminated so..."

"You guys can leave, but your clothes stay here."

"Oh for crying out loud." Sam began to giggle. "It isn't funny Carter."

"Oh no...not funny at all."

"Since Daniel's the most contaminated, we'll go with the guys first." At Janet's words six members of the haz-mat team walked into the room. They began to help the male members of SG-1 take off their filthy clothes.

"No peeking Carter," chided O'Neill as he stripped down to his underwear.

"Wouldn't dream of it sir." /OK maybe a little./

"Colonel," said Johnson, "You will need to leave all your clothes here."

"Oh come on."

"Sorry sir. Dr. Frasier's orders were most specific."

"Jack?"

"You heard the man Danny. I would just like to say...before anyone makes any rash judgments...it's cold in here." Jack heard Sam start to giggle again.

"O'Neill, what does the room temperature have to do..." Sam began to laugh out loud.

"Danny'll explain later." Jack cut Teal'c off. The men were given paper booties to wear on their feet, wrapped in blankets and escorted out of the gateroom directly to the infirmary. Sam was left alone, lying on the floor behind the ramp.

"Don't mind me...I'll just lie here," she called to no one in particular. Getting no response she simply closed her eyes, tried to relax and wait her turn. A few minutes later Sam heard someone come into the gateroom. /God, this is going to be embarrassing./ Sam opened her eyes preparing herself. Janet walked up to her. "You're in luck."

"Really?"

"The final analysis on that stuff came back."

"And?"

"There's no threat of contamination." Janet was trying to hide a smirk.

"What is this stuff? Or do I want to know?"

"It's biological."

"Biological?"

Janet began to laugh out loud. "It's animal leavings."

"Oh no."

"Yeah." Sam began to laugh out loud. "Daniel stepped in a big pile of dung. That's what you guys are covered with." Janet was now laughing so hard she dropped to the floor beside Sam. After the tears were wiped away Sam asked, "So what about me?" Janet handed Sam a pair of scrub bottoms and paper booties. "Just lose the jacket, pants and boots. That's all the containment we need." Sam looked up to make sure the blast doors were closed and began to gingerly strip down.

"What about the guys?"

"I haven't told them yet..."

"Janet!" Sam exclaimed in minor horror.

"...So they're still sitting in the infirmary, naked as jaybirds."

"How long are you going to make them wait?"

"Oh at least until Harriman's had enough time to dupe off the surveillance video of our conquering heroes parading down the hall in their birthday suits. Come on, let's go stitch up that cut."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sergeant Siler and his team entered the embarkation room armed with high power hoses and disinfectant. When he began this job he naively thought the drains under the ramp were a throwback to the old missile silo days. He patted his pocket and felt the comforting bulk of a video tape. At least he'd get a laugh out of this one. "OK people, let's get this place cleaned up. SG-8's due back in three hours and we don't want a repeat of SG-1's predicament."

"Are you sure sir? I mean after what SG-8 tracked back last week...well wouldn't it..."Siler shot the airman a look that said shut up and clean up. /Though a little just deserts would taste pretty good right now./

XXXfinXXX


End file.
